THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW, BUT COULD THEN HAVE BEEN BETTER WITH WHAT YOU KNOW NOW?

Of late, my paternal grandparents have been in my thoughts. Growing up, I didn’t see as much of them as I’d have liked, and I can’t help but think, was I given the true and fair picture? Going back to when my mother met my father’s parents, the following day, my paternal grandfather met my maternal grandmother with a list of their grievances, the first of which was that my mother declined the offer of a chair that my grandfather offered her. My mother said that she wasn’t raised to take a chair from an older person, and my interpretation of it is, okay, but my grandfather was being a gentleman and offering a woman his chair, as he had been raised to do. So, no big deal. My father’s parents didn’t want him to marry my mother.

I can’t help but think, had we been able to circumvent that some how, I could have had a happier childhood. I was talking to my father’s first sister recently, and we share the same political leanings. I can’t help but think, had I spent more time with my cousins (well, that was in part my grandmother’s fault) my visits could have been happier. I could have avoided a somewhat overbearing mother. And I can’t help but think that one of my friends would have enjoyed herself immensely if she and I had been allowed to go and visit. But, my grandmother didn’t like having others around as she talked about people behind their backs yet gushed all over them when they were in front of her.

One thing I wish my paternal grandfather had understood is, yes, your grandkids get older, but with that comes grandkids who want to come and see you by themselves, not with their parents. My mother said, “Oh, but you could have come out to do the grass,” (that was in my pre-ankylosing spondylitis days) but my grandfather would say, “You don’t have to come out to mow the grass, just come out for a visit.” And my grandfather hadn’t quite come to understand that I didn’t want to go out there and have to entertain my brother.

Some of my cousins were in constant need of entertainment, whereas for me, a book, or if I went there, a chat and a look at some old photos and maybe a meal was all I needed to be happy. If two of my cousins had have been able to go out there with me, it could have been better.

I even remember a family reunion we had and when it came to parties, I wasn’t someone who liked them, but one of my quirks is, I didn’t want to be the first to leave, but I didn’t want to be the last, either. If my aunt, when my father said that it was time we made a move, had have been able to ask my father and then come out with him and said, “I’ve asked your Dad, and he said yes, but you seem to be having a good time with your cousins, so you can either go home with your Mum and Dad now, or, if you’d like to stay longer, I am happy to drop you at the train station and you can catch the train home, and Dad can meet you at the station,” it would have been lovely.

And most importantly, had I been able to know more of the truth about my family, I would have had a happier childhood.