SOURCES OF INSPIRATION.

As someone about to enter a second puberty, I have found that I can relate to a number of older women whose stories I’ve read. I have seen stories where somebody in the fashion industry has said that no woman over the age of 20 should wear a bikini (considering the fact that Halle Berry was 36 when she wore that orange bikini as a James Bond woman, that is a preposterous statement) and being countered by women in their 40s, 50s, 60s and even their 70s who are wearing a bikini for the first time. And, yes, it’s true that teenagers can be judgmental and competitive, whereas older people have less peer pressure.

When I was 12, and entered the growth spurt, I had really bad acne, and my mother used to squeeze pimples on my face and back, and she noticed a stretchmark on my lower back, too. That stretchmark soon became about ten, and it looked as though I was a convict who had been struck with the cat o’ nine tails. I remember my father asking my mother if I ever went outside shirtless and I said no, and that I was self-conscious of it, which saw him shut me down and a seemingly innocuous remark from my father some years later saw me snap. I also have a kyphos-scoliosis, which is quite obvious.

Although I was masking, I remember having some dysphoria, but that dysphoria did not lead to an eating disorder. When I was 13, my parents wanted me to lift weights, and I didn’t want to, and as I’m now about to transition, I’m glad I didn’t, as it was my hope that once I started using estrogen that I could keep my slender figure and have a lithe waist and a curvy shape, and having a broad chest when you want to transition won’t look right.

I have heard the quite misogynistic statement from my mother, and from others, that a woman can appear as “mutton dressed as lamb,” and I think if a woman has taken good care of herself and she wants to dress in a younger style, that’s her right, after all, nobody says that about a man. I am inspired by women who love their flaws and their good points and think that we have to move past superficiality.

I am aware that at nearly a half century, I have probably half my life behind me, but I have to live as my true autistic self and be happy.