PREFERENCE AND ORIENTATION ARE DIFFERENT.

I have seen, on twitter, the hashtag #IStandWithLesbians, and people, on social media and in the formal media, using the term “sexual preference.”

I have also given the story of the girl I went to school with whose father had a Falcon for a company car. I’m not sure whether he had the choice of a Commodore or a Falcon, or whether the company went by whether Holden or Ford offered the better deal, but I know he had a few Commodores and a few Falcons in his time. He wanted a midnight blue Falcon but had to settle for a white Falcon with a blue stripe on it. My neighbour, however, wanted a midnight blue Falcon, at the same time, but ended up a blue Commodore, instead, because he opted to compromise on the car, rather than the colour.

If a company offered staff the choice of a Commodore or Falcon for a company car, you would probably find some people would be dyed in the wool Holden people, some dyed in the wool Ford, and some decide according to which they like at the time. And some probably wouldn’t care, as a car’s a car to them.

Are we hardwired to be one or the other? Well, some people will gravitate towards one because from the time they could walk, their father said that one of the other was better and that’s what you have. Some people, however, are not car people.

If we apply the same logic to sexual orientation, sexual preference doesn’t really cut it as a term. A gay man is sexually attracted to other men. A lesbian is attracted to other women. A bisexual person is attracted to both sexes, but there, again, doesn’t necessarily have a preference. A pansexual, however, is someone who is sexually attracted to the person, not their sex or gender.

If we take a person who worked in a company that offered the choice of a Commodore or a Falcon for a company car, and they had some Commodores and some Falcons, I don’t think you would find people who would change willy-nilly, or say, “Okay, I had a Commodore, so I’ll have a Falcon, this time. Then, okay, I’ve had a Falcon, so I’ll have a Commodore, this time, now, I’ll have a Falcon, again.” A person may have joined a company, in 1975, and had a Kingswood (the precursor to the Commodore), and over a 40 year career, say that they’ve had more Falcons than Commodores or vice versa, but it might not be the result of a distinct preference, it might be just what they chose.

If a bisexual person had multiple partners, during their life, they might say, “I appreciate a man for this and a woman or this.” BUT, what we need to remember is, men AND women can be bisexual. A pansexual person might be the same.

My mother told a story of a former friend of hers, that doesn’t quite sound right. She said that she had a male friend who formed a sexual relationship with a man because his wife died and she was irreplaceable. Here, again, we have to remember something. For social, cultural, religious or familial reasons, some LGBTIQA+ people enter into heteronormative relationships, and while some genuinely love their spouses, they are LGBTIQA+ people living heteronormative relationships; they are NOT heterosexual people who “turned gay”.

The notion that a person has a sexual preference needs to be replaced with sexual orientation and it is more nuanced than people think. A heterosexual person is typically not sexually attracted to the same sex. A bisexual person doesn’t necessarily say, “Oh, I prefer this sex to this one.”

These lesbians have been claiming that they were forced into sex with transwomen, to which I say, “Forcing people to have sex with you is a crime.” If a lesbian woman is open to having a partner who is a transwoman, pre or post-op, that is her right, but nobody has the right to force them. And if it’s on a dating app, well, the administrator of the app should say, “Okay, rules are, don’t harass other members. First time, you get a warning, second time, you get blocked of a period, third time, you’re off the app.”

Having said that, transphobia is unacceptable and while everyone has the right to safety, they also have the right to express themselves and their gender in a way that they choose, so long as they don’t hurt anybody.