LETTER TO MY 18-YEAR-OLD SELF.

Dear Peter,

Well, you made it. If you remember that Thursday night, in July, 1987, when you broke down, but your mother told you not to take it like a kid, you wanted to end it. She didn’t help, either, when you caught almost every cold and developed asthma, and she forced you to see a doctor she knew you didn’t like yet stubbornly tried to do it, again. That wasn’t love.

You were strong then, and you can be strong now. Your mother might have said that she didn’t want to be spending her time making sandwiches, warming pies and the rest for some ungrateful kids at a primary school, to keep the family in food, but you had the horrible words of that little runty kid who told you that you might know Japanese, but you couldn’t speak it in your mind. You didn’t get into university last year, but you didn’t prove the little runty kid right. You will prove him wrong in three years' time, again, when you go to Japan and a Japanese woman mistakes you for a Japanese. Just like when your dear friend who you help with her English, returns to Taiwan, and her mother thinks you’re Taiwanese when you ask to speak to her in Mandarin. What the little runty kid said reveals more about him than it does about you. If he was such a pathetic, sad little man that he was unhappy at school and had to tear others down, that speaks volumes about his character, not yours.

Experiences with him amongst others, after you learnt about Japanese attitudes to study aim to convince you that Japan is where you belong. It’s great to admire the Japanese ethics and customs, but despite Father Wilhelm Kleinsorge, it won’t be that easy for you to be accepted as a Japanese, even if you love the culture. Despite adopting the name Makoto Takakura, even he had some cultural boundaries that he couldn’t break down.

You will find your community when you’re 35. And that community will have some Japanese in it. That community will be a worldwide community. A community where you will be like Father Wilhelm Kleinsorge as an hibakusha. One where, “It’s too loud,” will be something they understand.

Your mother told you when you were 16 not to forget that you are an Australian. Okay, yes, you don’t follow cricket or any code of football. You like some of the TV classics, like A Country Practice, Blue Heelers, and the like, and in that respect, you’ll have some women with whom you have more common ground. For example, remember the girl who taunted you that you were going to fail the math test? Well, remember, 2.5 years earlier, when she was in your Home Economics class, and she asked the teacher if she watched the show and mentioned Donna Manning? Well, you knew exactly who she was talking about, and the little pest who used to steal your schoolbag had no idea and he ridiculed you, even though he admitted that his father liked Magnum PI and so do you. You’ll meet a unionist friend on Facebook, who’ll tag his daughter in a post, and you’ll discover that that girl, now a woman, is his daughter’s friend. You’ll tell him to tell her that you passed. And guess what else? A year later, you’ll turn on your computer and you’ll see that woman has sent you a friend request!

In 2006, talk of a school reunion haunts you and you feel like writing a curt reply, if you receive an invitation, that your cardiologist would be angry if you attended. You’re in the grips of PTSD. 16 years later, you attend a school reunion, and guess what? The kids who used to call you acne head, pimple head and all the other abusive names aren’t there, but a girl who was in your class will tell you that your skin looks good. The acne scarring is less obvious, as your face filled out around your cheeks, and you shave regularly, so you exfoliate. You keep your skin clean and clear. You feel like the beautiful white swan.

Yes, you develop mental health concerns and yes, you will develop some physical health issues, but you will find a non-judgmental community that is waiting to welcome you. That community is the Autistic Community, and so much of your life will make more sense as you view it through this lens. You will view your life in a more intersectional manner.

And at 48, you will have the courage to embark on that journey that you wanted to back when you were 14. The one that you had to keep secret as your mother stigmatized it when you were 10. And your father will tell you that if that’s what you want to do, he will support you.

Love, 48-year-old Peter.