IS MY POSITION UNDERSTANDABLE?
I have complex chronic conditions and as a result, I have to deal with an array of medical specialists and a GP, take a certain amount of medication and live a cautious life. My brother shows concern but I don’t open up to him, and I’d like to outline why.
When I was younger, he knew that I didn’t like my parents’ doctor, and he would niggle and say, “You’ll have to go and see this doctor.” Okay, it wasn’t his decision, and, my father used to say, “Do you think your mother or I would be that stupid?” and the response I wanted to give him was, “You, no, but Mum has done it to me, before.” And it’s true. On the first occasion, nearly 35 years ago, my mother was asked by the receptionist if we wanted to see this doctor and she said yes. Fast forward 17 months, and she told me she would do it over the holidays (that was to motivate a story that I wrote where my friend and I waited for a goods train and with sleeping bags, a blanket, some money and a backpack with snacks and clothes, jumped into an empty goods car and ended up in Adelaide) and even, in the waiting room, told me to sit down and secretly agreed that we’d see the doctor she knew I didn’t like. My brother asked, “What if he gets upset?” “Well, if he gets upset, I’ll belt him!” The following year, she again, sneakily made me an appointment to see him.
Okay, I’m now an adult, and after being pushed at 22, to see the ridiculous doctor who claims that men and women shouldn’t and can’t be platonic friends, I said, “Right, that’s it!” See, part of my mother’s motivation was racial (I saw one Chinese doctor who wasn’t good, and so she didn’t want me to see another, and no, the ridiculous doctor was NOT Chinese) whereas I say, “She was being just like the man I knew who swore he wouldn’t drive another Ford because the ONLY Ford Falcon he ever drove had a screw missing on the master cylinder and he said, “Right, that’s it!” I wanted to prove to her, and I did, six months later, that just because one was bad didn’t mean they all were.” And, I say, I didn’t have a doctor I liked until I was 23, and two of my doctors are Chinese, one is Sicilian and the other three Australian, so, I have a mix and I like it that way. That’s not to say that if I saw one I didn’t like that I would stick with them.
My mother also thinks it’s weird that I prefer female doctors to males. Okay, in the case of the ridiculous doctor, that’s perfectly understandable. My reasons are, one, I am a sex abuse survivor and don’t like being touched by males, as it’s triggering, and two, I find, as an autistic, I can better relate to an autistic or neurotypical female than I can a neurotypical male. See, where a neurotypical male might ask what football team I support, I would say, “I don’t watch football.” If someone said they bought a four-wheel drive, I’d want to know where it was made, rather than what it did. For example, my father bought a 1989 Ford Maverick. He put wide wheels and flares on it and Poly Air Springs and a long-range fuel tank. Whereas, if I’d bought one, in automatic, I would have said, “Okay, it’s a Ford and it’s made in Japan. I’m going to keep it Japanese. If someone offers a part, and it’s not Japanese, I don’t want to know.” Also, concerns that I have, such as the environment, and that, are typically seen by conservative males as feminine. I mean, Australia had a hard-right leader, who was an Ocker male, and he and I were chalk and cheese. Australia also has a harder-right female anti-feminist politician, whose main supporters are men, who delivered an ignorant rant about autistic kids, and she is also a climate change denier.
To offer some balance, though, I saw an APPALLING female doctor, who, despite some saying she has a difficult personality, I say, “No, she’s just downright RUDE!” And she is known for this. Even some long-term patients have said that the last time they saw her, despite how she usually was, she was, “rude, talked over the top of them….” And she is an appalling mix for an autistic patient, but I have a male rheumatologist who is a gentleman and is very respectful and caring. I told my mother about what a disgusting male urologist did and my brother said, “But what did you think he was going to do?” I say, “You don’t have to be like the ridiculous doctor and be obsequious like, holding a tongue depressor and torch and saying, “Just open your mouth so I can have a little look down your throat. Say r.” You can get away with an adult to say, “Just open up for me, please.” We know if you have a tongue depressor and a torch that that’s what you’re going to do. But NOR do you tell someone to lie on their side, pull their pants down and insert your finger in their rectum and say it’s a bit uncomfortable. My rheumatologist said that he didn’t defend the doctor but what some older doctors don’t understand is, okay, when it comes to a prostate exam, it’s not something men want to talk about, BUT, many don’t consider the fact that, with more sensitive patients especially, you ask consent and what, to you, is just a routine procedure, to them might be triggering. I would also say, that for such a procedure, a doctor MUST ask beforehand if they would like a support person, or even a nurse present.
My brother is not as understanding and my mother demanded to know who had sexually abused and harassed me. It’s too painful to this day to mention their names, and I shouldn’t have to feel like I’m being examined by a barrister!
If my brother said, instead, “I know I used to niggle you and I know Mum wasn’t fair forcing you to see a doctor she knew you didn’t like, but I promise you there will be no more of that. You can see whomever you like, and I won’t say a word,” maybe I would let him in more.