INVERTED LIFE.

I read an article on here by James Patrick Nelson, about the late onset adolescence in mid-life of a gay man, and I remembered an advertisement for Mercedes Benz that said that you should be born old and have your aches and pains and enjoy a Mercedes Benz in your pain free years of youth. For some of us who truly found ourselves and can see life through a different lens in middle age, our mid-life crisis brings us clarity, rather than a sports car or motorbike.

When we reach middle-age and have a greater understanding of who we are as people, we have the confidence to live our lives without masking. I have had two revelations on my journey, one at 35 and one at 47.

I had a complete breakdown when I was 30, and that caused my GP to refer me to a psychology clinic, where I was diagnosed with PTSD and depression. Unlike the stupid doctor who claims that antidepressants should only be used when absolutely necessary, my GP did NOT reach for a prescription pad and write me a script straightaway. She read the letter from the psychologist who said that I had a long road ahead, and it was after a few months that she prescribed antidepressants.

It was after I had moved to a coastal town (that was a disaster) that I met with a psychologist/social worker who identified me as autistic that I was able to see the PTSD in context and she was able to help in a way that the previous psychologist couldn’t. I found that life with depression in small towns is anything but conducive to positive, especially if you are outside the norm. So, I returned to the city.

I did, however, retain the gastroenterologist I had, and I had to have a colonoscopy at 47, and that involved two nights in hospital. Whilst there, I read Clem Bastow’s memoir, and reading through it, I saw many similarities with my own life. The information that I’d had a 17mm polyp removed from my descending colon, that could have turned cancerous, made me realize that I only had one chance at life, and to be living life as a man, when that’s not who I really am is disadvantageous, and add to the mix, my father was diagnosed with prostate cancer, and I knew that I had to remove the second mask. I began my second puberty at 48, after starting with a counselling social worker and an endocrinologist.

My late onset adolescence is one where I’m not waiting for grandkids, but rather than the stress of raising kids, I have the stress of masking removed from my life.