IF NO WAS NEVER RESPECTED.

This week, I was reading yet another article where a man had allegedly, and in this case, it will not be so easy to prove, killed a woman before killing himself. And again, there was the good bloke narrative about how he was such a high achiever and loved by all who knew him.

When I read about it, I remembered how my Year Eleven Human Relationships Education Teacher told us how he walked home singing at the top of his voice because he’d asked a girl out on a date, and she’d said yes. He said that he thought that the neighbors must have thought he was a bit weird, and to that, I say two things. He was elated, and if he’d been awkward or regularly rejected, to finally have success would make you that way. And two, the neighbors would have thought it weirder if he came home singing at the top of his voice because he’d asked a girl out and she’d said no, and he was rejoicing in rejection.

The groundwork for saying no, however, has to start in the family home. I hark back to an incident when I was 16. One weekend, I was doing the Japanese Proficiency Test, and my brother had gone to the beach with a friend, his father and sister the day before. After the Japanese Proficiency Test, my parents had me wash the family car and my father’s work car, while my brother played computer games and watched TV. The following weekend, I had had to do some chores around the house, as we were going away, and my mother gave me a haircut. After this, I had a shower, and wanted to sit with a glass of lemonade and read the newspaper. My brother, who had done NOTHING all day, well, nothing chore-wise, then wanted me to play cricket with him. I said no because I was tired and was then cool and clean after having a shower, but he then begged for “a little game,” “I said no!” He then pushed and I said no, and my father, instead of saying, “Listen, you haven’t done anything today, chore-wise, but Peter has, so leave Peter alone,” said, “Have a little game with him.” I was furious because that “little game” ended up getting me hot and sweaty when I could have been cool and calm! But no was never respected in my family in that respect.

I still remember when I had to sleep on a foldout bed that would have accommodated my brother, but he insisted on taking the full-size bed, even though he was smaller. And when my parents said that I could have a night on the top bunk in another motel unit to make up for it, he insisted on taking the top bunk, and then tried to connive his way into getting the top bunk.

Kids need to learn how to accept being told no in the family home. I say that my father should have also said to my brother, “Look, you asked, and Peter gave you an answer. End of discussion.” Not disrespecting my no.

I also used to hate it when we’d go to visit my paternal grandparents, and I’d be taking in stories my grandmother was telling, but either my brother would want to play sport and I’d be sent off with him or my mother would, and she was projecting here, say, “Why don’t you take your brother outside or ask your brother if he wants to do this?” (cue masking). My mother might have been bored, but I wasn’t.

If you want to teach your sons about respecting females, you have to start by teaching them to respect their sisters, cousins (my kindred spirit cousin is female), aunties, mother and the like. And you also have to teach that no is a powerful word that should not be overridden at one person’s expense all the time.