HOW I REALIZED I NEEDED MY EXTENDED FAMILY.

Last Christmas, my sister-in-law mentioned loneliness and I told her that I didn’t really get lonely, as I have my tribe (my autistic tribe). She said, “But I’m talking about your biological family.”

For some people, the loss of their grandparents means they see less of their extended family, but for me, it has been the opposite. My mother was an only child and my father was the eldest of five. My grandmother, whom I’d loved fondly, had kept the family apart and we only had occasional meetings. My mother, for her part, must shoulder some responsibility as she kept my father’s family at arm’s length.

Okay, some of the things my grandmother did were wrong, like, on one occasion, expecting my four year old brother to sleep in a cot, and he replied, “I’m not gonna sleep in that damn cot.” But more seriously, when my cousin was a baby, my grandmother felt that she was underweight, and so, when my aunty dropped her at my grandparents’ place, she waited until my aunty had gone and made an appointment to take my cousin to her doctor. Another aunty was viewed negatively for driving my grandmother to the appointment, by my mother, but as my father and I agreed, my aunty did NOT ring my grandmother and say, “Let’s do it,” my grandmother couldn’t drive, so she rang my aunty and asked her to come out and take her to an appointment. Okay, if I’d have been my grandmother’s doctor, I would have said, “The Hippocratic Oath says that I must administer treatment to anybody and everybody. If your granddaughter had had a fall in your care, I would help you, but I’m a bit gun-shy about examining your granddaughter on your say-so without her mother or father’s knowledge or consent.” I would have probably added, “Nevertheless, I will weigh her and measure her.” Yes, my grandmother was wrong to do that and it caused a rift, BUT, when I was four months old, that aunty got married at my grandparents’ place, and after going on the honeymoon, sent my grandparents a card saying, “Thank you for the wedding, but I’m four months pregnant, too.” And yes, she was 19 when my cousin was born.

My mother feared that she would do such a thing to my brother or I. Yes, the right thing to do would have been to say to my aunty, “I’m a bit concerned about her.” As I couldn’t easily open up to my mother about some things, but my grandmother was more understanding, I’d have probably preferred to tell my grandmother about feeling sick and been able to see another doctor than my parents’ doctor.

But, my grandparents would be, “Come out with your parents,” but what I would have loved, when I was about eleven (when I was ten, nine months went by since I saw them, and then, when I was 14, a whole year went by), would have been to have had a family reunion and invited Professor Tony Attwood to it, and had him then say, “Okay, you have three autistic grandkids. And each one is different, and some of your grandkids are kindred spirits as cousins, more so than siblings.” Then, followed it up with, “You don’t have to do it every weekend, but what you should do is, allow some of your kindred spirit grandkids to come out some weekends, and during the school holidays. What is happening is, some of your autistic grandkids are being driven mad by their neurotypical parents and siblings, and they need a break.”

Not knowing my cousins was a hard thing for me, and I am reconnecting with them now. Especially when my brother is also finding that he has more in common with some of my cousins than he previously thought. And especially as he was a pain in the butt always wanting to play cricket or football when I could abide neither.

I have also found that I had more time with my grandparents than I thought I had, and more of it was at my place. Okay, maybe my father’s siblings got more, but I needed my grandparents as much as I did my parents, just differently.

It is sad when your grandparents keep your family apart, but what is sadder is when you find that you had more in common with your cousins but you couldn’t develop the relationships. Especially if you had fellow autistic cousins.